Wednesday, February 5th, 2003
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2:39 pm - on a silver platter.
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Monday, February 3rd, 2003
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11:21 am - avoid.
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Sunday, February 2nd, 2003
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7:54 pm
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9:33 am - last night.
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shahira had a birthday. the birthday had a party. the party had alcohol. and the alcohol had me.
i got very drunk. slightly drunk is good. very drunk is not. drunk is not. not anymore. i swear i'm never going to drink (that much) ever ever again. my god. i was so loaded up with caffiene and alcohol i nearly died trying to get to sleep. i've realised that i do not like being out of control.
i also realised that my friends are much better people than me. and i love them all very very much.
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its alright
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Friday, January 31st, 2003
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5:57 pm - i'm not the lonely one
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i've been doing strange things in the past few minutes. like eating many pieces of chocolate bread, sleeping on plastic printer catridges and not checking my phone messages for fear of what i see. oh i don't know. this morning i wanted to be hitler and exterminate my entire school like rats. i very much wanted to be a ruthless dictator. later on mdk (that's mekanik destrucktiw kommandoh, the band me, abigail and shahira formed for talentime) jammed and i felt much happier because i got to scream like crazy and mash my fingers against my guitar until they were sore as fuck. singing felt good. carthatic and violent. we played i wanna be yr dog a couple of times and also heart and soul and shadowplay. we sounded good and i enjoyed it very much.
perhaps i'll eat more chocolate bread now.
current music: john coltrane - my favourite things
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don't think 2 times . its alright
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Thursday, January 30th, 2003
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6:04 pm - tv is healthy
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i plan to finish watching the entire first season of smallville by tonight. in fact, i'm all the way up to episode fifteen already. don't come near me during my obsessions. i bite. this feels really strange considering i hardly even watch television. or not really. there was one other instance when i thought i had to watch every episode of survivor because there was this hilarious gay guy prancing about in them. his name was brandon quinton, as i recall. i accidentally caught him on television dropping a flaming arrow squealing during one of the survivor challenges while my father was flipping channels. how can anyone not fall in love with that, i ask you? there was another instance. a milder one but more recent instance when i was determined to watch every episode of this shit local series called the unbeatables because they had fights utilizing dice and cards and the worst fucking special effects this side of the third world.
uh. oh dear. even i'm starting to question my tastes now. i think that's enough. back to watching smallville.
current mood: smallville
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its alright
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12:36 pm - this
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Tuesday, January 28th, 2003
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10:01 pm - catties
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i leave the house at seven. i come home at seven. then i go out again and come back at nine thirty. honestly, this has got to stop. i go to school so tired i can't even think.
but while the days still last...
me, wee kwang, abby and shahira found three palm-sized kittens under a void deck. one was brown, one was brown-black and one was black. all mewling in such endearingly small voices. "mew! mew!" like little living sponges covered with the softest fur in the world. there were two primary school children there too, looking after the small things. they were clumsy but affectionate in their own way. we helped one of them with the kittens because he said he wanted to take them home. this was, however, after a long debate on whether the cats would eat his pet fish. i love talking to children. it's enlightening, somewhat. it reminded me a lot of when i was eight and found a pigeon with a broken wing lying on the pavement and tried to carry it back to my house to nurse it without having the slightest idea how. i hope the boy who took the kittens are nice to them and give it a good home.
boring fuck that i am, this was the highlight of my day. the other, not so highlighted highlight being eating briyani at karu's curry. good but not superb. otherwise this whole entry would've been about it. or perhaps not.
current mood: i should really go to sleep
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don't think 1 time . its alright
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Monday, January 27th, 2003
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8:33 pm - just a little more tired than usual
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hey. your love makes me delirious you know? these walks and busrides empty and fill at the same time and i come home completely exhausted but overflowing top to toe with joy. top to toe, spilling out all over my cats and my family. joy and love and you you you spilling all over the cornflowers that don't exist here and making me open up all golden inside. boy, boy when you kiss me, boy, i want to melt into honey all over your lips and stay there clinging until you lick me the hell up.
current mood: waiting for sunrise
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its alright
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Sunday, January 26th, 2003
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10:33 pm - confusion is sex (haha)
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i am obsessed with smallville like my friend is obsessed with charmed (if you know me in real-life you'll know which friend) if only because i find lex luthor amazingly charming. no actually it's because i've discovered smallville slash and am alerted to the fact that homoeroticism between lex and clark is rife. or if not rife definitely should be. i think i love boys only i'd rather be a boy in love with a boy instead of a girl in love with a boy (i am in love). somebody should just fucking kill me.
current music: the doors - the crystal ship
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don't think 6 times . its alright
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9:04 pm - i see you fade away
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i would fall asleep so fucking tired. i would let my limbs crush into the quilted bedsheets and my eyelids droop to oblivion and then when i'm finally not where i am. i was in some other place. one that looked exactly the same, no not looked, felt exactly the same. like how you don't actually see in dreams, you just know what they are? yes. there were two small children beside me. i thought they were my cousins but they had sharp teeth and were dangerous. i knew they were dangerous. here's what they said:
"she's not our sister."
"where's our sister?"
"she's not here."
and they pointed at me and wanted to eat me up because i wasn't their sister. i had to wrench myself away from the astral and back into the physical, exhausting myself even more, prying my eyes open in an incapicitated panic. i do not like awake/asleep episodes like these. they tire me. they scare me. they're like sea meowing in the middle of the night. halfway between baby and cat but neither. unnatural.
current music: joy d - digital
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its alright
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Saturday, January 25th, 2003
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11:26 am - lovestory
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over time shaz developed a great affection for sea that she was unable to feel for sand. this was perhaps due to their striking similarity. shaz was a fickle sensualist, as was sea and they could enjoy few caresses apart from each others'. shaz would spend many long hours cradling sea's body in the crook of her arm and tickling her chin with her fingers. sea fit almost perfectly into shaz's arm. they would look at each other in mutual admiration, shaz of sea's perfect animal beauty and sea of shaz's perfect human form, then both would collapse and fall asleep holding each other as only girl and cat in love are capable of.
current music: roxy music - ladytron
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don't think 1 time . its alright
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Friday, January 24th, 2003
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11:59 pm - eat my tv
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i wonder what constitutes a good night. my pleasures seem so small and futile. i went out with naz, rahul, abby and wee kwang for a little while. we ate a bit but mostly sat around and smoked. i mean, me and naz smoked. me and abby drank. i don't know how these vices keep me content. perhaps i enjoy destroying myself. what am i talking about, i do enjoy destroying myself. but doesn't everyone? to some extent.
it was strange. naz pointed out orion's belt and i lay on the dirty far east plaza balcony floor and looked at them and wondered how to get stars into my lover's hair. it was a really strange dreary sort of atmosphere. kind of like a joy division song with less succint guitars. i must admit, i was kind of drunk. only slightly. but enough. i hugged him tightly as we walked through the city at night and sang as loud as i could into his ear. then we took a bus.
did i tell you i sold those tickets? the ones to the mtv asia awards. sold for two hundred dollars to two desperate little girls. we alighted the bus at the indoor stadium and in a moment of intense irony, the security people invited us in. rather unfortunately (or fortunately depending on the piper you dance to) i was still a bit tipsy and avril lavigne was giving a thank you speech. i thought not yelling at her to fuck off would be sacrilege. listen out for it, i suppose.
i don't know why i bothered typing all of this. put into retrospect, it all seems so fucking pointless.
ibara no namida is a great song. i think it's what constitutes a good night.
current music: l'arc~en~ciel - ibara no namida
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don't think 1 time . its alright
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3:24 pm
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i just sang i never asked to be yr mountain many times in the loudest voice i could muster.
i feel so much purer now.
i'm sailing all my sins and i'm climbing all my fears
and soon now i'll fly.....
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don't think 1 time . its alright
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2:22 pm
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i saw a blackbird fly past me as i walked home today and thought that it was beautiful. but i'm so tired and sore that i have run to the mirror and ring my eyes with eyeliner just because i feel like i should fit the mould of tired sore girl in eyeliner for a while. i feel like that girl. apathetic, full of shit and rather harmless.
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its alright
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Thursday, January 23rd, 2003
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9:06 pm - tangerine
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how strange and exhausting school was today! a drunken day, filled with davids and dice. what actually transpired is too absurd to relate but it involved a retarded game for secondary school children and lots of giggling. calling up people to verify their rockstar identities and me crawling under tables and meowing at the teacher. oh please do not ask. it was good. but a little too delirious.
right now to lean my head back slightly, part my lips and slip into once i was seems the only good and right thing to be done. tim buckley is so calming and beautiful. the latter the latter just palpitates my heart like so. he could make me cry every night with madness redirected from my head to my heart to my soul to my lips to my eyes. doesn't something beautiful make you insane for awhile? i clench my fists and hold my knees to my chest and rock back and forth when i listen to i never asked to be yr mountain and still it overwhelms me. the word is sublime. the colour is tangerine.
i read the first chapter of ulysses again in the school library today and i was completely blown away. i understand, somewhat. it's the feel. the snot-green sea and the cracked looking-glass of a servant. i've never shaken off the feel of those few pages since the first time i read them, four years ago. i don't know what it was but this time the sentences flowed flew through my head like water and understanding them mattered less than just enjoying them. is this how i'm supposed to read it? am i right? tell me.
( this is disturbing. )
current music: tim buckley - dream letter
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don't think 1 time . its alright
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Wednesday, January 22nd, 2003
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10:31 pm
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10:29 pm - this proves nothing
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people use the word 'love' far too lightly. i guard it too jealously.
don't if you don't mean it. it is sacred. you'll regret it.
but then again, who am i to be the guardian of words? or even worse, love?
current mood: selfrighteousfuck
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its alright
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10:15 pm - failures
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komakino's first jamming session recalled the words of the late ian curtis. only we weren't modern and we certainly were not men (both are sort of debatable though). catch it if you can. i played awfully. really awfully. i'm starting to doubt whether i even deserve to hold a guitar in my hands. yes yes. but no. this was only the first session. we've got to plod on, plod on...
we will be a great band. even now, when we think of how shit virgin violets are, we feel like a great band. even though we're not really. but hell, everything is relative anyway.
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its alright
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Tuesday, January 21st, 2003
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8:29 pm - my love has missed her menses
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i spent a large part of today listening to big red moment's dermatose. it's an amazingly beautiful song. it made me so fucking happy i decided to cry. but later, when i was not so happy. then again one more time when i was happy again and what made me cry was not the song. the only way to describe it, the song i mean, is by one big heaving sigh. just woosh like that. i lost myself in it so completely i spread out my arms and flew/ran in a big arc while turning to cross the road. i haven't lost myself in music like for such a long time. i play it over and over and over and over and i'm not sick of it yet. i know i do that alot but only with amazing songs mind you. oh oh and you know what the most most most wonderful thing is? i met this man with the angel voice. he passed me the cd, in fact. yes yes! they're from the same small stupid island as me and they make music that moves me so so so so much! oh please oh please download this beautiful song now from here. if i could write like rimbaud i'd write a poem for this song. but i cannot so i dedicate this ramble to it.
i really want to write music that can move. but i am incapicitated in that respect because i don't even dare to move myself. me they shall feel while i am able to stand i will never be never be never be because i always fall first.
current music: x japan - kurenai
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don't think 2 times . its alright
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ninethreads's journal
